It's crunch time. I've finished all my Christmas shopping except for one present; we did pictures with the kidlets (even after removing zinc diaper cream from Owen's hair on the same day... pics to follow as soon as I can). We've cleaned the house as much as it's going to get cleaned. I had my pre-surgery Reiki treatment to help me heal better after. My bag is almost fully packed for the hospital, just needs the last minute stuff in it. I've loaded up my iPod with eBooks (thanks CaRWA ladies for putting out stuff to read!), and I've even ripped some movies into it as well. I've gone through all my pamphlets about what to expect with the surgery and after, some of them twice. I've told the boys that I won't see them for a few days because I'll be in the hospital, and somehow I managed to do that without crying... yet.
My surgery is at 9:15am on Dec 9, 2010. This means I need to be at admitting at the godawful time of 6:15am and that means I have to be up about 1hr earlier, and without the benefit of liquid caffeine. Someone poke me with a stick, I'm done.
Goddess give me the serenity and the strength to do what needs to be done. I know I'm going to go through with it anyways, because honestly, the other option is probably REALLY crappy, but I would like to not be full of anxiety. I feel like I have a grief inside me that has echoed into the very depths of my soul. Most of the time I don't feel it there, but on days like today, with my surgery tapping me on the shoulder and saying, "Hey, you're next," the grief is in my throat, coating everything I say with unshed tears.
Everyone who's been reading this so far knows I'll be going through some crappy stuff over the next few days/weeks. After having a major surgery it's not like anyone would be doing the Dance of Joy. I'm going to be in there for a few nights, and will have fun things like a catheter, wound drainage tube, and even an oxygen mask when I first come out of it. Maybe they'll at least give me some nice IV thing where I can press a button for pain relief. Something that I can have under my control. :) I don't really have the worries anymore that I'll be in the 1-2% of anything going wrong. I have to believe that everything will go smoothly; trying to keep in mind that whether you believe it will or it won't go well, you're probably right.
I was told today that I have a strong heart. I definitely believe this too. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to handled this soul deep grief, nor would I have the capacity to love as much as I do, as well as carry on with smiles and laughter as I do most every day. I also feel like I am truly blessed. They say it sometimes takes a tragedy to find out who your friends are. I have found that I have more friends and family reaching out to me in my difficult time than I had ever thought were there. Thank you to everyone for all your offers of help, be it with kids or meals or other, I will be taking advantage of it all. Because even though I have been told numerous times by numerous people that I am the strongest person that they know, I will be even stronger with you there to support me.
So tomorrow, I'll be in surgery from 9:15am till about 3:15pm, and will probably wake up between 4-5pm. I will gladly take spells, prayers, distance healing, or even thoughts towards my well being. Even though I know everything will go smoothly, a little extra insurance doesn't hurt, plus maybe it'll help me get better quicker. :) Hugs to you all and I'll post again in a few days to let everyone know how it went. Who knows if I'll even have Internet access in the hospital. I think I may go into withdrawal <shudder>. I can't even remember the last day I didn't log onto at least something!